#so i wasn't bullied for being queer but i was so terrified of it anyway that it took me ages to come out to myself

[queerstudiesnatural]

seeing teenage gays out and about, holding hands and laughing and everything is SO healing. each new sighting puts a new bandaid on my inner queer child

[amaraudermind]

Sometimes I'm still more scared to allude to being asexual than I am to say that I am queer

[scyllascriptor]

"I know you CLAIM to be queer but it SEEMS like you only talk about dudes so-" Said someone on an an artist discord server I hang out on.

Ah, but you see. I don't like them in a straight way, because I am not straight. (Serious queer-ass shit under the cut)

It took me until I was in my late 20's or early 30's to realize that even if I experience attraction toward a cismen my attraction is not heterosexual because I am inherently queer. That's why I say "pansexual" too - because whatever you think my attraction is you're incorrect.

It was one motherfucker of a mindjob realizing that the way I was attracted to cismen was COMPLETELY fucking different than my cishet women friends. They'd say things that were like... completely alien to me, but for them it was just normal and natural. I couldn't wrap my head around some of it, let along smile and nod along. And that was also part of realizing that no... I wasn't just kinda butch and a little gay.

It was terrifying, too. Understanding that as an already awkward person with something different about my wiring, that... it would make me hard to love. Not unworthy of it, just very difficult to find someone who fit against that comfortably. Unpack that one for a hot minute.

By the by that's why I never really established deep friendships with folks who ID'd as cishet women when I was younger, and still struggle now. Everyone assumed it was the whole "tee hee I'm not like the other gals", when it wasn't. It was being so gently, casually, expected to fit a specific mold that was alien and sometimes upsetting to me, and the self-hatred it caused when I couldn't (and sometimes absolutely brutal bullying). Sometimes being around very "stereotypically feminine" people triggers absolute pants shitting dysphoria and feelings of inadequacy. I'm nearly 40 and I'm still trying to deprogram myself.

This, as you might imagine, is also somewhat distressing for straight cismen who miss the fact that while I was DFAB, I am not a "she". Because, y'know... they're usually expecting their normal, which is alien rituals to me, and I'm over here in my normal which might as well be a Clive Barker novel to them.

And I can't explain it. I can only show you the emotional bruises and scars.

And that sets aside the whole learning curve of trying to figure out whether you think someone is hot, or whether you're just enamored by how beautiful the whole shape of them is with absolutely ZERO interest in them as a sexual being or romantic partner with special bonus added complexity that you never asked for.

OR whether you actually just wish you could look like them (shout out to Willem Dafoe in "Loveless"). THAT one's a real motherfucker to get a hold on. AND sets aside the whole OTHER part about attraction toward other genders and how that interplays with the whole inherently queer thing.

Anyway I guess the gloss on this is: Don't be that person on the art discord. That shit's an asshole move and you have no idea what someone else's experience is, or where they are along the winding and unpleasant road to processing it. Were I even a few years younger or in a slightly less okay place with "everything" - that would've really fucked me up and put me in a very dark place.

Normalize being like "It's rude as shit for you to even make that statement in the first place and you aren't as woke as you think you are. I'd politely request that when it comes to my identity you keep your commentary to yourself."

Normalize: "I don't categorize you as a potential partner and therefore won't discuss the minutia of that topic with you."

Normalize: "Oh I'm gay as fuck but I just don't talk about women all that much because most of you are straight women and gay men so there's less frequently an opportunity to say that Sigourney Weaver can put me in a half-nelson and personally introduce me to god (respectfully)."

Anyway. IDK. Maybe an overshare, but I typed it all up to chew their face off and then they got banned. It felt like something that just... could bear stating.

[meanmisscharles]

Hi friend! So before I ask my silly little questions about OFMD, I just wanna preface that we’re usually drinking & smoking during tv club lol And I miss so much shit because I’m goofy lol But the nice thing is when I rewatch it’s like brand new to me! (There are so many scenes that circle back to details from the first episode alone, it’s fantastic!)

Ok so in OFMD s1e1: Do we think that Stede & Captain Nigel Badminton used to ‘creep*’ during their days at boarding school? Or is it just me? Cause the way o-boy ‘asked’ for a tour of the ship was hella gay!! The hand gestures and the eyes, plus the taking off of his wig before heading to Stede’s bedroom, coupled with the cheese & assholes comment and Stede’s tone when agreeing, “Oh! I bet it does.” Like how is that not gay af?!

Side note: I also think that Officer Wellington is Cptn. Badminton’s new subordinate with benefits, and that’s why he tried to persuade them to return to the ship when they were getting up to start the ‘tour’. He was jealous/worried about what might transpire behind closed doors perhaps.

Anyways my two favorite parts, and arguably the episode’s best scenes, are when they’re making their flags and we learn that cats are terrifying, because they’re witches and they’ve got knives in their feet!

And also when Cptn. Badminton get’s his ‘tour’ of Stede’s bedroom and sees that he brought a library, and then asks, “I mean, what if there’s a storm? Don’t all the books fall out?” Then it cuts to the scene of Stede, screaming in terror, desperately trying to contain the books on the shelve while they cascade down all around him! Fukkn. Dead.

Lol ok I’m off to rewatch e2 to take my little notes, I’ll be back!

*I feel like most, if not all, of their private interactions would be of dubious consent, seeing as how Nigel is Stede’s bully

Hiya!

I never thought about Stede and Nigel that way. This, however is a wonderful opening for me to say what I DO think of that interaction.

I feel as though Nigel (for Stede) is a type of Izzy. He's giving gay and cheerfully willing to bully Stede for doing it 'wrong'.

He does queer coded stuff, but the uniform - the uniform is protecting him from what that stuff implies.

That's why I think Chauncey was so fucking unhinged. It wasn't just about his brother being dead, it was the fact that he was supposed to be safe from a man like Stede.

Now, fandom has some Badminton/Bonnet dub/non con out there, so mind the gap.